fatal sail to self

cleaning my room means i'm depress

2005-07-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

liyo said i always keep my room clean, and then he said...
i'm depress
depress?
under depression?
huh?
maybe yes...
maybe no...
i don't know.
i just really want everything nice and clean.

i conquered Cagayan

2005-06-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

yes, finally.
3 days and 2 nights.
too short to totally appreciate its beauty.
too short to revive what was far gone lost.
should i visit the land of golden friendship once again?
is it too soon to return?

ice blue

2005-05-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

that's my template...
uh-uh... i'm not here to tell you about my unsuccessful print internship.
ahhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg.......

VERA

2005-04-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

once upon a time, there was a girl named Vera. wahahaha...

today is her last day of being 19, tomorrow she'll be twenty...
so watch out world! here comes the jet- black- haired- girl who'll turn your ordinary life into something... well... uh-huh... well... you know... just get to know her... hahahaah...

i love you ver! you are one of the best pals i have!!! keep rockin'_____'s world.

p.s. the_____ part above pertains to this person who made her last two years unbelievably fabulous? chaotic? romantic? uh-huh....

asa na ka Jim? wahahahahaha!!!!!

happy birthday to my brother bear

2005-04-24T22:07:00.000-08:00

today is my brother's birthday. and things are a little bit slow and boring.
we don't have any cake, no lechon, or a big fat chicken on the table. no nanay to take us for a swim in the beach. no neighbors to drop by the house and eat with us.
birthdays are different when you are away from home. huhuhu...

of course tatay called but still nothing is normal. it's just me and my brother alone for his birthday here in the city with millions of strangers crossing the street and getting in trouble every sec.

we went to church... borrowed five cds, he gets to choose all three of them, of course it's his birthday, it is the least i can do. we eat at mcdonalds, and that's it. but i did give him a gift despite financial difficulties, even if i'd sacrifice a cheeseburger in doing so, i bought him a penshoppe scent... duh! it's not an expensive perfume, it's a P69 pocket scent something. he did like it...

_________

sometimes it hits me... you know, when i think of my family, it makes me want to take all of whatever i have to take just to get my dreams and theirs. and my appetite for boys shrinks. no kidding... i don't know, i just want to be the one who will always be there for them, take care of them, and make them happy. and it makes me feel good about myself, it makes me see where i am heading. i'm not being a drama queen here or a saint of some sort, really, it is something i am proud of about myself... the way i value my family. sometimes, at night when i pray to my God, i cry thanking him for being so kind to me, for giving me such a wonderful family, and i often ask him why... i mean why me? why am i this lucky? and why does He always answer my prayers and why He is always there for me when i feel down. i am not saying i see God, but i can feel Him, in some ways, in His ways.

But then again, i have no right to ask Him anything like that, just let it happen you know, there is a purpose to that, everything happens for a reason. God, from the beginning has plans for me, and i just let it work for me. that is why when i build dreams, i always say to Him that it is up to Him, i lay it all to Him. He knows the best, all you have to do is to listen, be sensitive to every single thing each day, that will be your map to where God wants you to be. just trust Him. He knows. and remember that he is the light, he shows you the way, he shows you life, beauty, and everything you need.

and i just know that God wants us all to love our family, that is the starting point, maybe because we all came out to this world with a family, God gave each one of us a family. a family, a circle of people from where we should all practice unselfish love.

hahahahahahaha...what am i talking here... the ideas are all disarranged. but who cares anyways, i just really want to get that all out. i am missing my family badly today, more than ever.

i may not be a successful person today, and speaking like this about God and family is not that you know, inspiring or something, but i am a happy person, i think happiness is the best thing here, the best thing i have earned for almost 20 years of existence. you can never find happiness anywhere just like that or purchase it, it is something earned... and i think i earned it just by knowing all what i have said above.

haaayyyy....

all i want you to do

2005-04-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

you peeled off my skin,
stubbed out my eyes, cut my tongue,
sewed together my lips, broke my eardrums,
and blocked my air passage.
you took away all my senses.
each day is a battle i am supposed to win.
but i go to the battlefield unarmed.
you took everything and you left me with exactly nothing.
my trust, my hope, my strength, my ability to love.
all of them!
i want you to realize the damage you have cost me.
i want you to say sorry.

aha...

2005-04-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

Bulagi Ko Kay Na…
Carine Era Asutilla

Mamihok ug mangluspad
kining aping nga manggahon

Mukiyos kining lawas
kay wala’y gana i-kaon

Kining mata nga singkit
manghubag gyud intawn

Kining akong huna-huna
tugkad gyud ug lawom

Kasingkasing nga putli
kanimo nagsampit

Kay sa gugma nga tiunay
kini nagapitik

Ikasakit og ikaguol
ang imong pagtug-an

Nga sa lain mukuyog
og ako biyaan

Maglutaw ako
sa kaugalingong luha

Sa kawad-on
magkuyogpos ra

Bulagi ko kay na,
mahuman gyud ang istorya

________________

Pag-ampo sa Inahan
Carine Era Asutilla

Nagtukaw sa kagabhion ang akong inahan,
rosaryohan ug nobinahan iyang gikuptan
Madunggan ko ang hinay niya’ng paglitok
pulong sa pag-ampo ngadto kang Maria

Kang tatay nga naglawig
sa dagat nga dili ato
Maghimaya Ka Maria
bantayan mo siya

Kang ondo nga sa eskwela
magtarong sa pagtungha
Santa Maria Inahan Ka
lamdagan mo siya

Kang inday nga sa kanunay magbinuutan
dili musupak sa iyang ginikanan
Putli’ng Kasingkasing ni Maria
tudluan mo siya

Sa katapusan akong ngalan
ang akong nabatian
“sa akong kamagulangan”
sampit sa ‘kong inahan

“bantayan mo siya sa adlaw nga tanan”
“lamdagan sa hunahuna, iiwag sa dautan”
“tudluan sa dalan, pangandoy makabtan”
“siya ang paglaom namo’ng tanan”

“Sa ngalan sa Amahan
Sa Diyos nga anak
Og Diyos nga ispirito santo
Amen.”
________________

to my lola

2005-04-03T22:08:00.000-08:00

my grandmother was a tower
a mountain
a sky.

everytime she walks into a room
you can't help but notice
her spirit as bright as the sun
her face as beautiful as a spring
and her voice as sweet as honey.

she smiles. and each smiles are as good as eternity,
as powerful as love.
nobody who has seen her can forget her.

her eyes not black but of blue and green
her nose sleak and long,
lips are full and red

she spoke only of truth and freedom
her tongue know nothing of pain and failure.
she was strong, so strong that no one could ever push her down

she was a mountain
a high tower
and a wide sky.

never will i forget her.

tiktak

2005-04-03T09:40:00.000-08:00

my clock went crazy.
as crazy as a cow about to be executed.
my heartbeat went faster and faster.
as fast as the travel time of light.

again...

my clock went crazy.
my clock went crazy.
it was 11.
but it was still 8.

but...

dear oh dear, it was too late.
i went to school and checked the clock
the time was perfectly early.
my clock was crazy.

so i went back to my room
and decided to get some sleep.
my clock was so damn crazy.
crazy just like me.

vera,chai,tif,jess,lai,russ,liyo, and everyone... i am sorry...

2005-03-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

i have always wanted to be true to myself and to other people. lately, my friends told me that i have the tendency to play pretend with other people. hiding what i think and how i feel about them. it is maybe because i find it hard to tell things straight to them because i might just ruin and mess things up.( i dont have superb communication skills, they might just get me wrong ) so i keep it to myself. but the thing is, when i am not in good mood or in a bad day, i end up releasing all the toxic out loud. and when i feel ok already, i always feel guilty, knowing that i have hurt somebody and i have become a real wicked witch, claiming how i have helped them and them not returning the help i gave, and other things meaner than that.
see how bad i am?
i know that crying a river to this will not mend the damage i already gave myself and other people. i can never be a good and trusted friend again. i am not saying this to get a piece of your sympathy or to make you extend your understanding capacity everytime i blow things up and once again release the toxic,i just really think that i am not worth friending at all. i am not afraid to admit my mistakes and i am more than willing to apologize. i would really appreciate it if everytime the light turns red you will twitch my arm. please... naglisod na ko.

vera,chai,tif,jess,lai,russ,liyo, and everyone... i am sorry...

hair

2005-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

mubo na ko buhok!

dead

2005-02-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

from the painful fact that it is too late for me to pull up my academic standing.
from the unbearable ignorance that i am receiving from friends and family.
from the dreaded poverty i am in because of allowance shortage.
from the pathetic lovelife i think i have.
from the bad feeling i get everytime i look at the mirror and realize that i am not that physically blessed.
i have never felt so alone...

i walked in to my room with tears. heart crushed and mind all blown out.
i searched for comfort among the soft pillows in my bed but there was nothing to take the cold out from my weak body.
i have never felt so alone...
ignored and unloved.
i have all the reason to loss my mind and cut my life short.

valentine's

2005-02-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

the dreaded time of the year for most single women who had undergone a great heart surgery and heavy emotional damage because of some brain-eating, pride-swallowing, and time-consuming relationship from the past, and struggling from the present unstable lovelife, has arrived.

stab my heart, pull it out and hang it by the door. valentine's day is one heck of a nightmare. hearts hanging everywhere, flowers flowing, sweet chocolates on everyone's teeth, and couples walk hand and hand.

here is another way to look at valentine's day:
the day of hearts is the day for GOD, your family, your friends, and yourself...

now who needs another freaking BEN?

court for dribbling

2005-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

and so i struggled my way in here, my two hands pulling my pajamas and my head bowed down as i walk pass the court of giants dribbling humpty dumpty's head. how i wish they could all disappear or if not, a ton of egg yolk may fall from the sky into their unpleasant faces so they wont see me pass by.
but i was guided by angels.

yesterday i went pass the same crowd and the dribbling giant hit my leg with his orange ball. it was painful but i walked as if nothing happened. in my head are curses i could not imagine myself saying out loud. i was not guarded by angels that time, no fork stopped the ball which went directly into my leg. but do angels have fork? yeeks! i think it's the other group of red bunnies.

my feet are itchy, and my nails are still dirty.
i'll pass by the same court for dribbling again minutes from now. how i wish i can scare people away with my uncutted fingernails and unwashed feet.

filipiniana

2005-02-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

i went to the hotel. a hotel named after my favorite sausage when i was in grade school. i could eat the entire hotel if it turned into a sausage the moment i arrived.
everyone's in their costume. the famous filipiniana costume, with all the glittering beads, the nice edges, and a cut that will hide your waist line.

i can't enter the room. i'm not dressed like them. they sway their hips, move their shoulders and their heels... oh their heels... tikatiktak!

i thought so, i should have borrowed my grandmother's filipiniana costume, and my mother's heels.
then i'll take a jeepney, tell the driver i'm riding for free because i am mother earth, i'll smile to all the passengers and tell them how itchy my costume is. then i'll shout loud for the jeepney to stop and tell the driver that he has to tune up his jeep because i am mother earth.
as simple as that.

soiled fingers

2005-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to get dirt out from my nails, and the best way to get rid of the soil which adds taste to the food i am eating is to continously suck my fingers... finger licking good... yaks!

blame man for killing all the sources of food. i am hungry and and the soil in my nails are just good enough to feed the twisted intestines and the almost crumpled stomach. of course i paired it with real food. not really real but recognized as food... chocolates.

headline: falling objects went back to the top

2005-02-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

hahahahahahaha

and i was right.

the monstrous side of numbers in descriptive statistics bites largely most part of your brain and your non-fat figure gets affected with your craving for chocolates and other sweets rises as depression eats up your idea of balance diet and proper nutrition. now hit me with a big plate of chocolate cake and a spoon with chocolate syrups dripping on the sides.woosh!

i failed stat. what's new?
the second exam was easier compared to the first one, but i guess i really have that "cara dora" in me to have let myself fail it even if i spent two nights romancing with my notes and photocopies in my classmate's place with only coffee and pancit canton to fill my stomach. i guess that combination i took while studying has something to do with my failing score. (it is pathetic to blame coffee amd pancit canton)

but, in fairness to me, even if i failed that exam, i learned a lot when i studied those horrifying lessons (only that nothing came out talaga in the exams from all the problems i tried to solve).
i learned that Z-score is not a measure of relative dispersion but only a related topic.
i learned that coefficient of variation is the best measure of relative despersion. and that mean, mode, and median can be the best measure of central tendency depending on the situaion.
see?
i told you... i learned three things!

honestly, the fact that i failed the second exam did not hurt me as bad as the first exam. of course, i was immunized by "your life does not revolve around statistics" just right after i received my first exam results... mmm... two weeks after that to be honest.

falling objects beware.

2005-02-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

another week ended. (my week always ends during fridays, it starts during sundays, and saturday is the bridge between them.)

yesterday i took my statistics exam. another exam, which i think i failed (if God has not changed my wrong answers before my teacher could go over it.)
i am 100 % sure that there's no chance to that. I spent two nights doing the exercises and nothing came out during the big day. i failed my first one and it is obvious i am going to fail the second one. everything is perfectly messed up. my biology, my comm theories and now my statistics. wow... isn't that the perfect combination to successfully cancel my graduation?!

my life is going crazy. i am going crazy. my bad biology report, my 2 statistics exam which went down the stairs, my comm theories' hopeless research, my unpublished article for journ... my acads are going low. damn! and when classes end each day, i go home, stare at the ceiling of my room and play my all- girl- artists cd for the one millionth time. now tell me how can my back not ache if there is nothing or no one to catch all those loads that pulls me down from the high bad cliff.

i know you know what i mean! but hell yeah! it will just probably make things worst.

foster care (article passed)

2005-02-01T23:24:00.000-08:00

Every child has the right to grow up and be reared by his/her family. It is the responsibility of the family to give love and care, and help build the child’s notion of the world.
But in the absence of the family, who are the ones to take over its role?

Alternative parenting

This is when foster family care enters the scene. It is one of the methods to temporarily offer a safe and constructive family environment that provides to the physical, social, and emotional needs of abandoned and neglected children. This includes children with physical or developmental disabilities, children with emotional problems, etc.
Foster children stays in foster care until their biological family reunites with them or the children become legally available for adoption. Adoption now provides permanent family for the children.
Foster family may apply to adopt foster child placed under their care when they become legally available for adoption. The consent from Department of Social Welfare and Development or DSWD depends on the evaluation of the family’s capability and conformity with the legal requirements.

A foster care story

A six-year-old boy turning seven this April named Rolando (not his real name) was first found inside a box when he was just a new born baby. He was brought to DSWD.
After a year in the care of DSWD, Estrella V. Dy took Rolando along with the other three kids from DSWD for her and her family to foster.
“Maayo man ning mu-help ta atiman ug baby nga neglected kaysa mag mahjong mahjong ra or mag-unsa.” Estrella reasons.
Estrella has three children, two of them are graduating from college this year and one is already married.
The other three kids from DSWD she took cared of for more than a year were adopted internationally by couples from Australia, Pennsylvania, and Switzerland. Rolando was the only kid left with them since then.
The young boy had his first step and learned his ABCs and 123s under the care of his foster family.
Estrella says that Rolando is a good boy so there’s really no problem in bringing up the child. The only thing that Estrella and her family is concerned with is when his asthma attacks. But despite that, Rolando now in grade one manages to excel in extra-curricular activities in school, particularly in sports.
“Ganahan ko magdula ug basketball!” Rolando exclaims when asked of his favorite sport.
Rolando has been with the Dy family for six years now, they have come to love the boy so much as part of their family, they even reached to the point of considering to legally adopt the boy. But Estrella said that the future of the kid is better if the family from Massachusetts will just adopt him. As much as they love and care for the child, Estrella believes that the family from Massachusetts can give a brighter future for Rolando.
“Gusto ko mag doctor para makatabang sa naay sakit.” Rolando says his ambition.
“Pangitaon nako akong tinuod nga mama inig dako nako.” he tells. “Balikon pud nako akong mama Ding (Estrella).” he adds.
Rolando’s new family from Massachusetts will come this end of February or first of March to bring the child to his new home.

Foster care now

There are a lot of children out there who needs love and care. The fast pace of the world may caught us all up in motion making us blind to see those children with no place to call home and no people to call family. Perhaps we can all slow it down a little bit and try to pay attention to those children who need us most.

spanish class warla

2005-01-27T21:56:00.001-08:00

spanis class warla

2005-01-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

spirit,,,

2005-01-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

spanish class

attempt to write

2005-01-25T01:15:00.000-08:00

my weeks for January and Feb are all packed.

run there, write here, report there, and cram here.

but then again... my shameless self found a new way to

(maybe for just a minute) get my eyes out of my chaotic notes and what-to-do list.

an attempt to wtite a poem. i should drop that but then again who cares, we all have our own ways of releasing stress and depression.

for that i wrote a poem. not ordinary but peculiar--- cebuano poem... tyaran......!!!! applause.

let me see if i can still remember it. i have it on my laptop though, but of course i have to execise the powerful retention capability of human brain.

you may stick your tongue out or pehaps hang yourself as this poem is kinda i don't know... is mushy the right word?

here it goes: drums rolling!!!wahahaha

BULAGI KO KAY NA
(TITLE of poems if written should be in small caps, that's what i learned from my ehem teacher... it is bad to mention the right word so i'd rather say ehem)

sugar lollipop... i forgot. can i just post it next time. i can't recall anything except for the title though.

hate it.

reopening

2005-01-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

It is about time to break the silence.

Strike the drums

Bang the cymbals

Blow the trumpet

And cover your ears

As the long silence be put to an end.

Yes, I would like to shout to the entire

Blogspot.com system that...

I'M BACK!!!!!! (Loud scream. mouth opened wide, extending to the ears, covering the entire face, and now swallowing the entire head. “Now let me out of here, it's dark, see my gums and teeth?")

Yes, indeed... the queen of I-would-like-to-share-my-life-with-you and this-is-what-happened-today is back in business.

Hmm. Regularly, you will be reading a lot of my stories now. The disastrous life I am heading, and the effort (to max level) to survive in such a not-so-kind crowd.

To officially begin the reopening of this supposed to be thrown to oblivion blog, let me tell you that I failed my first long exams in Statistics and Biology.

And this is not about love and heartaches and failed romance or whatever. This is something serious, fatal. Biology and Statistics is such a good combination to ruin my I- want- to- be- in- tv career. See what I mean?

Excuse me... see my gums and teeth?

i want to be silent...

2005-01-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

i want to be invisible for a while and be silent to the world.
i need to be by myself and keep things to myself.
this is not saying goodbye to screaming out my entire life in this blog though,
this is minimizing my presence here. this is just a temporary border i am setting up.
i am just quite tired of always discussing the same things again and again, which makes me feel that i am no longer growing up to mature matters. because i keep on opening the past pages and analyzing them over and over again that holds me back to move on, grow up and live a life.

i dont know, i just think it is a better idea to put things that way.

hotta hotta!

2004-12-30T11:30:00.000-08:00

i said and he said and we both said...
hmmmm...
it's obvious.
question:
what's the real score?

find out next week.:)

=D

2004-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

and if i pick up the lines from the chat... and if i paste it all in here... people will probably get me wrong..

and so, i'll leave it all in there...
it will just be between me and him...
it's better that way
sometimes i have to keep things myself.
i'm too open to all.

buzzer box 2

2004-12-21T13:15:00.000-08:00

shit shit shit!!!!!!! i hate you!!!! you buzzer box!!! you freakin buzzer box!!! just as i thought.... before i even posted my entry... there goes the buzz again!!!! hell!!!!!! another 5 went down the box!!! i almost had myself jump off my chair!!!!
mr. buzzer box!!! do you realize how important that 5 peso coin i just dropped in your mouth???... hell!!!!! somebody stop me from exploding!!!! ssshhhiiit!!! i could break this keyboard... you buzzer box!!! i hate you!!!! i'll break that green nose you have in there that buzzes and demands 5.... huh!!! and you think 5 is easy to get nowadays!!!! damn!!! if youre only human!...

buzzer box

2004-12-21T13:04:00.000-08:00

i should get out from this freakin over- charging internet cafe! this is hell!!! 5 pesos every 10 minutes... hell yeah!!! that makes 30 pesos an hour???!!! just not faiR!!! as if they got the fastest internet access around...??? there are a lot better cafes... but damn!!! why did i get in here... as if i know they charge this much and as if i know i have to drop 5 peso coin every 10 minutes in this freakin annoying buzzer box!!!... argghh...
i dont have any choice... i dont know where to go... i might get lost in this freakin city...
damn!!.... i traveled 3 hours just to get things done before i get back to cebu but everything is nothing now...i just wasted a lot of time and money...
i have to end this before the buzzer box demands for another 5. shit!!!!

wedding bells will toll

2004-12-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

the wedding bells will toll this Sunday and i will not be the bride but the bride's maid.

my cousin is getting married, i thought he is too young for things like but then again he is 28 (i think so) and i guess it is probably the right time for him to settle down. i mean why could he have decided to get married if he is not ready for that? but... i wonder... aren't they both scared? i mean they are going to be stuck with each another after the wedding and the next day after that, and the next next day after... it's forever... what if later they found out they are not meant for each other and marriage is not working anymore?... things like these are for grown-ups. these are for their heads to ache. i'm a grown-up but not grown-up grouwn up you know, still have to experience and learn more about things around.

i'm excited... i am going to wear a gown... i wonder if i look good with gowns, i don't have big boobs. i think i'll just win it with my smile.

Buhi

2004-12-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

i am still alive.

it is something i should rejoice about.

i've been very busy and pressured this week, and every single day of it, i thought that i have a valid reason to cut my wrist or hang myself and stop breathing and never breathe again. i thought "kamatayan," "langit," at "impyerno," will have no objections with that.
i have been running around, crawling grounds,jumping from one place to another, tired my own feet and hands in catching up with a lot of deadlines. i always find myself checking my what to do list almost every minute, forgetting to pay my fare when riding jeepneys, and spending at most four hours of sleep every night. not just that, i spent a lot. i don't know if i could still buy gifts just in time for this christmas.

but then again... hey! this week is almost over. and i've done all the things that have to be done, at least 90% of it.

hahaha... buhi pa ko.

couch

2004-12-06T20:36:00.000-08:00

who says i am the only one who has the right to cry?
... a friend beside me is crying like a baby over an unsuccessful love affair.

see?
ha... "'kalokohan' daw."
and there he said it. and so he stopped crying, stood up and begun reading his newly found textmate/lover/"kalokohan too" text message.

reflection for the day:
i spend 20 pesos back and forth everyday to my tutee's (tutee?) place then i realized that i can spend only 10. i'll walk a little. and that will make me save 10 and gain leg-muscles. (leg-muscles?) uncertainties uncertainties a lot of uncertainties in parenthesis kill the blogger.

i got names from the middle-earth

2004-12-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

elf name:
Lúthien Tinúviel
means: nightingale

hobbit name:
Rosie-Posie Proudneck of Tuckborough

and i can't find anything for my stat assignment...

all i can say is...

2004-12-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

screw him!

the case of the missing ex and xmas

2004-12-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

where in solar system is he now?
no phonecalls no e-mails.... what is he trying to do? kill me by keeping me wondering everyday of whether he's dead or alive? ve!!!

what is he expecting?? i'll fly my way down south to see him myself and find out if he's still on his pants or not? that's way too much...
that's it... i'm getting out of this whole waiting and wondering thing... it's driving me nuts.
arggh...

and where is xmas by the way?... i can't find christmas in any corner...
are we really experiencing fiscal crisis? (fiscal crisis?) ve!! i don't like it... where are all the jingle bells and the ting-a-lings and santas and socks and a whole lot of candies and gifts? all gone to north pole? ve... i must have missed polar express...

i am busy

2004-11-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

i am busy.
two reports tomorrow. 7:30-12.
and another one this thursday.
i also have to pass a journal tomorrow at nine.

i still have to think about a new topic for journ. metrosexual thing is not working. i have no sources.
damn!

this is a job for superyen!

emotionally bankrupt

2004-11-29T22:40:00.000-08:00

just got back from Bohol.

i went to CAP to watch a play. my friends were there, as part of the audience, as part of the play. i won't talk much about the play tonight maybe later on my next post. but i know i have to say it was great.

the internet cafe is closing in a minute now, and i really have to get this done or rather just let it out before i go to sleep.

where are you?
i found myself again opening your page in friendster. that was the first thing i did since i got here and i think it's so unhealthy. (is unhealthy a right term to substitute stupidity?) but anyways, i know, i know, i have to stop this or else, or else, i don't know.... maybe i'll get sick or something and my whole system would get immune or used to of you know, looking for you, and waiting for you, and practically living for you or something. and i don't want that to happen. it's a crap. the whole thing is a crap. i'll be a crap. and all around me will be a crap. see that?
i don't blame you... it's not your fault to get me to this. it's all in me. maybe there is just really something wrong with me. i don't know.... i just really have no idea of how far this thing has brought me and until when it will last. if only i can scream this all in your face, it'll probably make me feel better. you know, tell you how nice you have been to have left me hangin'.

you know what? i feel like crying. i think i just really have to cry. i mean i've never cried cried as in cried hard for a long while now. it will probably make me feel fine the next day, and the next next day, and the next day after that, i don't know. aaargggghhhh
this whole thing is taking me nowhere...
i think i'll just cut it out. no matter how loud this thing appears when spoken, you'll never gonna hear me say these stuff anyways... so it's really useless...
i'm still here.
you're still there.
and this is what we are now.
and may be we'll be like this forever.
but the only thing that's really wrong with this, with us, with what we have, with who we are now, is that i'm alone. i'm with this whole damn, crap, time-wasting, emotional- streessing thing just by myself. and you, on the other side of the round world, you're probably just sitting around, thinking about a lot of things except me, smiling to people, giving joy to mankind with your silly jokes and stuff like that. completely free.
and me... oh well, you left me broke. not even a penny.

after half an hour

2004-11-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

i visited my friendster account, posted something in the bulletin board, signed out my e-mail, and checking my chikka every little while to see who in my list of contacts are on-line.
my classmate was the only one who was on-line, we chatted a little and later, he went out, to do his interview with that singing diva. then, unfortunately, nobody followed to blink.
it was just a half an hour ago, but it seemed like i was here for so long. may be waiting for something to come up, or someone to appear does make you feel like that.

where is he?
and so i talk and look and wait in vain for the heck of him.
what is he doing right now?
probably eating, sitting, talking, watching stars glitter, up in the sky covered with clouds... and so? what can he see in that anyways???
but most likely,he is sitting in his room, in front of his computer playing the game he has been playing for years and may be just may be he is thinking about me...
hahaha... and so i wish, i write, i talk, i look, and i wait in vain for the heck of him.

isn't he lucky?
he got me to think, to talk, to write, to look, and even to cry and wait for him.
but who knows?? he may be... somewhere out there, somehow, you know, he thinks, talks, writes, looks, cries, and even waits for me. and so again i'm making my bubbles.

hahaha... i should probably get a diversion or something right now. this is the worst case of an ex.

and let them read me

2004-11-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

and so i posted my invitation to everyone in friendster to read my blog.
was that stupid?

i care less.

1. this blog is mainly about my ex.
2. i write a few about my friends and a crush.
3. and i think a little about school.

about me.

2004-11-24T13:45:00.000-08:00

if it had not been for this BC 121 subject i am taking this sem, i won't probably be having this self introduction posted in my blog.
but hell thanks anyways,if not for this, i must have posted another "i miss hims"or "where is hes".

I’m a Boholana, of course I grew up in Bohol, but I was born in Lapu-Lapu city though. I’m the eldest of three. I have a stubborn brother who is six years younger than I am, and an annoying little sister who turned nine last summer. My father is a seaman who only has two months to stay at home every year but still manages to keep the bond, and my mother is a plain housewife who takes good care of the three of us and my grandpa, and she cooks really good.
I’m simple and boring. I don’t play any sports and I can’t stand watching games either, but I go to motocross events, only if my cousins are in that race. Rock bands make me sleep, and I can’t play any other musical instruments aside from guitar with only few chords I know. I don't go to discos. I don’t drink alcohol but I’d like to get really drunk someday. I don’t like drinking coffee but it's ok to drink when I have to. I don’t smoke because it's not included in my allowance and I find it not wise. I don’t talk much if I’m with somebody who talks more than I do. I don’t play on-line games, I’d rather cook and bake and eat a lot. I love kids but I am not against family planning. I love nature but I don’t go mountain climbing or hiking or kayaking. I’ll just make my surroundings clean, throw my trash in proper places, I guess that would be better.
Recently, I got interested with cars when my two cousins started talking bout it last summer. And I realized that it would probably take me ten years or more to get my own car but an hour to get a key. So I think I’ll settle for a key instead. I’m an anime fan and I usually sketch my own anime characters in the middle of class lectures. I like soap operas, Sandara Park, and Hero Angeles, I see no reason not to. I’m a Filipino film supporter, I believe in the talents of the Filipino filmmakers and I have observed the experiments they make in movies to make it world-class. I have an interest in theatre arts but I have no plan of pursuing a career or whatever.
I am a roman catholic, but I am not devoted. I believe in God as much as I believe in love, life, and hope. I just really have my on ways of lifting my spiritual life, and God knows how it works for me.
I’m organize and time-conscious. I hate being late except if I intend to be late and I’m impatient with people who don’t come on time with no valid reasons, I don’t like listening to excuses. I’m also restless; there should always be something to do to occupy all my time. I just like being busy.
I used to dream of becoming an MTV VJ. Make it internationally, be famous and all. That’s why I went for mass comm. It’s the closest thing I can get to make it there on the top. But later on, I realized that, it’s not really a big dream or something, it’s more of a sideline, or just merely wanting to have fun, get freebies, travel, and earn. But I still want to see myself on TV though and be known globally (I’m considering becoming a pop star… joke!).
Presently, I like to get into TV productions or movie perhaps to make it a real WOW!! I know it’s hard to achieve but I’m keeping my finger’s crossed, who knows, I might get lucky, the world might be nice to me and take me to where I want to be. When I graduate, I’ll try crawling my way to success right there in the big city of great opportunities. Now, bless me.

not another lonely night

2004-11-21T18:38:00.000-08:00

haha... miss that guy. i remember him. he remembers me right this very minute. how i wish.
it must have been that 4 calls he made the past week that brought back this familiar feeling. see what i mean? i was right. i shouldn't have enjoyed so much from those calls. i shouldn't have let myself think that phonecalls will be flowing right into me every night after that. god! i can't believe this. he got me again. that guy!
(sigh)
let me figure my way out from this once again.
haha.
he got me once.
he got me twice.
lonely is the night.

journalim 195

2004-11-21T18:35:00.000-08:00

Specialized journalism.
What inhabited my pea-brain this weekend is how on earth will I ever get my story done. This is a matter of life and death. I’ve never had started yet. Not a single sentence, actually, I’ve never done my field work yet. What could be more lame than that?
I have no story. Nothing. As in nadda.
What’s worst is that 2nd semester is too short to get things done. I don’t know how I can squeeze things up to fit in. That’s it. I’m doomed.

sad movies always make me cry

2004-11-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

when things are a little bit slow, its either you find ways to put a little bit of action on it or you ride with it.
one fine wednesday afternoon, when the bananas in pajamas felt that there are so much time and too little things to do, they went to the mall to see a movie. since we both don't want our little brains to think too much, we went to a less pondering movie.
i was amaze that almost all seats in the cinema was occupied. then i remembered that the actors and actresses of that film were no less than the biggest buck-makers of the industry, having a lot of million-worth commercials.
we found a seat near the big screen. it was not comfortable but it served our need to sit down.
the movie was entertaining. no doubt about it, romantic-comedy. people around were giggling and laughing at the same time as characters displayed funny faces and made "kilig" moments with their partners.
i was of course focusing my attention on screen, observing the way they act, the clothes they wore, the make-up, and other things just to convince myself that they deserve to be in there, and i, to be just where i was at that moment.
because i was really watching the movie, i wasn't able to watch myself from the guy sitting beside me who was rubbing his legs into my knees. i didn't mind that, i thought he just really had have long legs, that's why his legs touched my knees. i leaned closer to my friend, away from that man. but still he kept on rubbing his legs into my knees, and i thought it was not right anymore, this man could really had have very long legs.
so, i turned toward him to tell him to kindly take his legs away from my knees because he really was so damn annoying. but no!!! he was masturbating!!! and he was looking at me like he was ready to attack me. to my shock, i automatically stood up and told my friend what the man was doing and that we have to transfer to another seats. so we hurriedly looked for seats. and i started crying. i was really scared... holy cow!!! who won't be? that old(around 40 years old guy), ugly, psychotic beast!!!! can't he look for proper places to get the release he wanted??!!!
when i was over crying, i realized that i did not do the right thing. i should have called security. and sent that maniac to hell.

all for the week

2004-11-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

it has been a week since i last posted anything in here. and there are just so much to write about. and exactly where shall i start? let me see.
first up, since this might be the highlight of the beginning of my 2nd semester. let's fry my undying issues with no other than the man that voluntarily turned my world upside down, (an exciting carousel?), should i name him? should i? BEn! ooppss!!! there it goes...
i don't exactly know the reason why, for after so long of taking his vacation away from all the mess he made, (mess??? umm.. the break up!! there! ouch! but i think mess will do, my life went messy for a couple of weeks after that, i don't know about him.)he suddenly decided to drop by and throw me some of the goodies and souvenirs he got from his century of vacation in the land of WHO_KNOWS_WHERE.
yes!! he called. in fact, he called me 4 times this week. yah!! what could be more surprising than that???!!! it's like hey! guys! i got a 1.0 in my college algebra!!! great!!! and so there it goes. i had a wonderful time talking to him on the phone and recharging my phone every after 30 minutes, (yes, my phone is on full service for me, imagine that... characters dance on the screen, lights goes on and off, battery drains after 30 mins. of call, what more can i ask for?). we talked about almost everything that we missed out. and as our conversation went longer, i miss him more. i can imagine him holding his phone on the other hand while the other one is clicking the mouse of his computer and trying to figure out how to level up his pikeman in Priston Tale. yah... he never quitted playing that addicting, eye-bagging, and 4am- is- bedtime, game of the too -little- things- to- do -and- so- much- time people.
he admitted he missed me, of course i did the same too. i'm a true person you know. and it makes me stupid sometimes too.
so there it is. he called, he called 4 times. i have to stress that. it's a world breaking news, it is like telling people that presidents of the countries all over the world admitted that they fart every after meal. hahaha that's a joke. anybody who read this, don't sue me.
ok done.
next one.
my class schedule for this sem is perfect. but my subjects are not. all are boring, time-consuming, and seems exhausting. i got no class on fridays though. but it doesn't mean i'm free. loads of things to do for sure. it's ok, 2nd sem is shorter. many holiday breaks!! haha!! that will do.
right now, i'm looking for a part-time job. i just really need one. i feel so useless just sitting around and waiting for my next allowance. i'm getting old, turning 20 next year and i can't feel any backaches yet. that's a shame.
my mother's cousin, mhaigan, who is 2 years younger than i am, was confined in the hospital yesterday, she coughed and there was this blood coming out from her mouth. it was like the disease that Nicole Kidman had in Moulian Rouge. i just really hope it is not that bad. she's too young for anything like that and too pretty too.
it's niknik's birthday today. i called her early this morning but my phone went dead in less than 2 minutes. see... i need a new one. niknik is doing good and pretty determined to forget Khem.

and let me end this here now.

mi hermana y hermano

2004-11-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

i spent the whole day with my sister. i took her for a little shopping, i dressed her up a little and all, i know she likes good clothes.
we went to DFA too, we went there with my uncles for the renewal of their passports. after that, when my uncles went home, we went to see a movie. we bought some popcorn and soda and enjoyed "the incredibles". we went home just in time for dinner. we had a good time.
but things are not well with my brother, when i got home, he was out on the internet cafe playing some useless games, and he does that everyday. instead of cleaning the room and studying his lessons. sooo... irresposible. it's ok to waste a little money and time on those lame games if he does bring home good grades for us, but he doesn't. all we can see on his report cards are line of seven. he is too lazy and you can't see any dreams in his eyes. that boy is certainly a pain in the ass!!! and i hate being always the one responsible for his actions. my parents of course are expecting me to bring out the geniuses in him... and what???!!! can't they see???!!! their son is a one hell of a lazy grasshopper who happily hops around not preparing for the rainy days because he belives that there are always those industrious ants who will save his butt out from the big drops of water.!!! huh!!?? let's just see where his immatureness will take him. i'm pissed off!!! totally pissed off!!!
not just that, this kid has an attitude problem.. the worst case of all. he always thinks that he is the one being pushed down all the time by me and other people, hello!!!! he is the one who is always the superkid to my parents because he is the only son for crying out loud!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggghhh..... i could crush this keyboard with my anger!!! he is soo hard headed and he has this gallon of pride that he carries along all the time, propably even during he sleeps or take a bath or riding a jeepney on the way to school or whatever!!.. he has mood swings which are very bad than mine, bader than mine!!
i've done everything. i spent quality times with him. we watch movies together, i buy him things he needs even if it means i have to get it from my own allowance. i helped him with projects and assignments, i have drawn an eagle and a snake and a man and a grass and more for that science project he had. i made him his debate speech about legalizing abortion. i helped solved his algebra, and there were tons of them. i wake up early every morning to prepare him breakfast and i always feel bad everytime i fail to make him one when i couldn't get up early. sometimes i sacrifice some after-school-life with friends just to be there for him when he comes home. i always think about him everytime i stay late at night with my friends, wondering if he has eaten dinner or has done his assignments or if he was crying home sick. and i even go to his school for some PTA meetings, or if he wants to have lunch with me, i even have to be late in class everytime he forgets his ID and i have to take it to him. i worked hard to have nice relationship with him.
and then, now what???!!! he doesn't listen to me. i always have to give him lectures every now and then, and even if i do that... he doesn't change, he never will change. he listens attentively to everything that goes out from my loud mouth but everything is forgotten as soon as it enters to his ears and into his tiny brain.
sorry bro, i'm really mad at you at this time.
i have to let it out.
and here it is.

money

2004-11-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

i'm absolutely spending too much for internet and depending too much in finding answers to all the questions here on-line.
my little sister is getting me into this. she has lots of assignments and it seems that she is making the entire house to work for it too.
my tired eyes and my big zits are getting red already and my back has aged in like 40 years. my neck is perfectly not in good position here. let me conduct an exercise.. now, one to the left and two to the right, three, four, and i can't move.
i'm typing slowly and out of focus of what exactly to put in here. i'm thinking of the 500 bill i'll be handing the cashier after this, and i'm wondering how much will be left for me. i still have to pay my tuition tomorrow.

probably one of those times... i'm thinking about money, and worrying of whether we can eat 3 meals a day or internet for the next days after i get out of this pocket- sucking cafe.
money. how essential.

blah blah blah

2004-11-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

enrollment. and this might be the not-so-pressuring enrollment of my entire college life.
while people are running around, i on the other hand found myself in front of this computer.
very irresponsible.
by this time, my nanay is probably thinking that i'm almost done with this enrollment, and that i'm having lunch with my siblings right now.
haha.
i'm far from it.
i'm tired. bye.

im back!!!

2004-11-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

hahahaha...
thank the holy macaroni for bringing me back on bussiness(business?bussiness?.. dah!!! whatever... look what vacation has made me) yes!!! i'm talking about finally blogging...hahahaha!!!! i'm a hungry hound.

vacation:
good air
good food
good rest
and what have you?
but of course... no internet.
let me see... hmp... i've been deprived with my blog and friendster and other things for about a week. but last friday i went to town to give internet a try there, but it was useless, so it's not counted.
so... now that i'm back in the city, what will i do?

tomorrow i will go to school for enrollment.
tuesday- friday i'll try my best to make my little sister's vacation to be nice. hmp... nice is a good adjective.
i'm kinda tired from travel. and my little sister is already pulling my sleeves.
till tomorrow blog. i really missed you. hehe

i can't sleep.

2004-10-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

i can't sleep....
sleeping pills anyone??

fatal sail to self

2004-10-28T21:22:00.000-08:00

FATAL SAIL TO SELF

spanish: la vela fatal al ser
german: Tödliches Segel zu Selbst
french: la voile fatale à soi
dutch: Het dodelijk zeil naar zelf
italian: la vela fatale a stesso
portuguese: fatal navega a si
russian: фатальный парус к сам
norwegian: fatalt seil til selv

Bohol

2004-10-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

i will be going home to Bohol tomorrow.
back to the island of no internet access.
i can't post in my blog for a week or more.
i'll be back here in Cebu on November 7 i guess.

i'm wishing to visit the city in our province.
internet there is not that bad.

and i really have to check my mail sometime next week.
i'm waiting for somebody's reply.
and it is kinda important.

hope for a good weather tomorrow.

how i wish Ben is with me this sem break.

defense to that "hubog"post

2004-10-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

i am not a religious drinker or something .
the last time i got drunk,
was last year
or perhaps two years ago.

i was there that night to bond with my friends.
we haven't spent time together that much since we got into college.

wanted:perfect boyfriend

2004-10-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

not for me.
for my desperate friends.

while almost all my girlfriends are looking for their Mr. Right,
on the other side of the world,
a friend of mine who had been on a 5-day writing workshop just this week, found his Mr. Right.

no,i'm not mistaken in using his and Mr. Right in there.

good for him.

and i think, as soon as our other friends find out about this...
they will become more desperate to have one.

hmmmm...
i already forgot how it felt to have somebody special,
i don't think i still know how to kiss. it has been a year since i've had a real kiss...

sad...
so sad.

i think i have to look for that someone to kiss me.
i'll go walkin' and search the street for that lips.

to BEN

2004-10-28T18:50:00.000-08:00

sooner or later, you'll find time to read everything posted in here.

react.
comment.
do anything, say anything.

this is stupid, i know.
this blog is mainly about you.
about us.
and the failures.

read all well.

me and my buddy

2004-10-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

niknik.
my friend since grade school.

we talked last night before going to bed.
life.
love.
plans.
hopes.
failures.
regrets.
lessons learned.

it was probably the longest conversation we had since we went to college.

my ex

2004-10-28T18:39:00.000-08:00

affected.
still cares.
damn!

he matters?
can i deny?

arrggghh...

detour

2004-10-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

men mostly go for detours.

i'm not talking bout roads. i'm talking about girls.
girls they get when the right one is temporarily a phantom.
nonexisting,not in service.

see what i mean?
they like having detours.
they like being in trouble.

tsk, tsk, tsk.

miss you all

2004-10-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

i'll be leaving for Bohol tomorrow.
somehow, i feel sad.
vera will be on boat for leyte tonight.
liyo is in bantayan.
chai in cagayan.
russ will be here in cebu.
my brews friends.

i'm kinda hoping to have a chat with Ben tonight before i go back home.
i miss him...
i don't know, i just want to hear from him.

i have received a couple of messages from him in friendster though,
but it was just a question of a course description and the other one was about the pics in her friendster account.

miss him

hubog

2004-10-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

i got drunk.
but not drunk drunk you know.
i was with my two high school friends.
and one of my high school friend was with his two college friends.
so that would make us five all in all.
two rounds of colt 45.
four bottles every round.
that would make eight bottles of colt 45 all in all.
but it only took me 3 glasses of colt 45 to make the whole world spinning around.
was it the world spinning around or was i the one spinning around?
hmp...

i was aware of what i was doing though.
i know i was talking a lot and too fast.
i know i was laughing on almost everything i see and i say.
i know that my friend beside me was crying over some useless guy
(who happens to be my cousin, who got a girl pregnant and left my friend broken hearted... that bastard!)
i know my friend's friends who are my friends now too were busy singing their hearts out with that videoke machine.
see... i was aware.
only that my head aches really badly.

got home around 11:30.

my two high school friends slept at my place.

i am with niknik

2004-10-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

she is sitting beside me now.
surfing the net.

she'll be in cebu til 29th of October.

GTG

2004-10-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

i have two cousins who are into a girl to girl relationship.
the first one, who is older of about 8 years than my age, is understandable.
but the second one, younger of about 2 years than my age, is beyond comprehension.

i heard about it just this morning,
when a friend of mine since high school,
who is sitting right next to me now,
told me of how my younger cousin,
is famous in their school of having relationships to both men and women.

i don't know why.
she had never shared anything to me since i got into college. we seldom see each other and when we do, we don't talk that much anymore.

she had a boyfriend for more than five years, they broke up recently, she did not give any details though.
and now she is having a girlfriend?

her parents don't know about this.
what if they find out?
her dad is a tyrant. a sinister.

hmmm...

me? engage in this kind of relationship???!!!

hell would freeze over first.

i saw the white face of the polar bear

2004-10-25T00:50:00.000-08:00

went to school around 1 pm.
signed clearance.
faced the tired and unpleasant faces of the faculties.
scary.
ears hot.eyes red. head aches.
scary.

they signed our clearance though.
not as tough as i thought it will be.
texted friends.
while i was falling in line.

and there... on the other corner of the room,
was a familiar stand of a man.
in his white shirt and black pants, he looked beautiful (a perfect 10 creature of God).
his face was as white as a snow, lips as red as a wine. and eyes, that when he stares is a passport to heaven.
hay...

he stared, but this time i was strucked that he made his stare longer.
i stared back.
i was determined not to look away.
not this time.
we stared. no one looked away.
his lips begun to curve into a smile. and involuntarily, mine curved into a smile too.
it was not a forced smile.
it was a nice, friendly and comfortable smile. no one felt awkward.
we smiled to each other,
then i realized, it was my turn to pass the paper to the woman sitting on a wooden chair across the table.
i was glad i did not turn out "tanga" at that time.

when all my papers were signed, i was told to go to the next room and let another woman sign it.
i went out of the room, and there i caught him standing leaning in the door frame.
i did not looked at him, but in the side of my eyes, i caught him looking at me. when i was about to enter the next room, i looked at his direction to take a glimpse of him, and he was still staring at me.
i was smiling, a friend who was with me was not aware of what was going on.
i did not tell her about all of it because i don't want to spoil the moment. she talks too much and too loud.

hay...
that should complete my day.

not another "this page cannot be displayed"

2004-10-25T00:40:00.000-08:00

i'm totally pissed off!!
i'd restarted the computer several times already. that damn internet cafe i'd gone first was a total disaster!!!
it ruined my day.
i payed for nothing!!!
absolutely nothing!!
and what?
you want me to smile?
and thank you for wasting my time and my money?
argggghhh...

i lost my patience.
i went out and looked for another internet cafe that will probably help my mission for today.
to blog.
and thank God...
He did not make every cafe as bad as the first one i had been to.

hay...
i'm trying to make my thoughts of good things to flow
so i'll feel better.

BLOG, BLOGS, BLOGSPOT, BLOGGING, and BLOGGERS

2004-10-25T00:37:00.000-08:00

A friend open a friend’s blog.
She wants to read what a friend had wrote, then maybe she can post a comment.
When she visited a friend's blog account, she was with her friends.
And I was one of them.

We waited for a few second before the page was displayed in front of us.

On the monitor.
A friend of ours from far away kingdom wrote about blog and about journal.
Of how blog is mistaken as a journal.
Of how the two is not similar.
Of what should be written on it.
And of how other people without reluctance post true to life stories, of their day-by-day events, and of secrets that are better be kept to themselves.

I don’t know.
Maybe he was right about all of it.
Maybe he was correct of complaining about other people misusing blog.
And I am one of them.

I write exactly of what I want to write.
I write about how I feel, what I feel, what I think, and almost anything personal oblivious of the fact that not only my friends can read it but other people I barely know.
I don’t give a damn.
Because for all I know, I just want to get things out.

What? Use my notebooks to write about them? And what? Keep it in the safe box where no one can read it?
It is still the same. It is still keeping it all in and not letting it all out. Now that is stupid for me.

I use to do it since I was a kid. And I still do it now, but not as religious as before. The blogging thing quenched my thirst.

I don’t care if I don’t write well, I don’t care if my grammar is bad, or if I am using the wrong words, or if my vocabulary is low. All I just want is to write. Lessen the burden in me. Express myself. Tell my friends and other people of how I am doing in my life. And in return, I get comments that help.

Because there are things that better be told in writing than speaking.
Because there are things that better be shared not for a few but for all.
Because there are things that better be known than be kept forever sealed, unrevealed.

I don’t know.
Everybody has his own reason why he writes, and why he writes about that.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT LOVE. SWEAR!

2004-10-25T00:15:00.000-08:00

I’m not going to write or recite about the same litany of complaints and bitterness about my love life here.
I think I should talk about something else even just for a while.
Maybe I should pick some topic of which this blog is all about.

Let me see…
Hmmm
My cds
My pillows
BLAH
blah.....

I guess I’ll pick the second one.

My pillows.
I have eight pillows surrounding my bed.
Two green pillows
One dark blue
One light blue
One red.
One pink
One grey, and
One is a combination of pink, blue, and yellow

Four are squares
Two are rectangles
One is of moon-shape
And the other one is of a hotdog

Three of those pillows were given by two special people
One I got from home
One I bought in the airplane on my way home from manila last summer
Two I bought from the mall

They come in different sizes.

I have a small bed.
And having those eight pillows around my bed makes my bed even smaller.

That should do it.

Hahahaha…
This is ridiculous.

the spanish film fest and the non-spanish friends i was with.

2004-10-23T02:35:00.000-08:00

before going to ayala. we went to KKMK.
our work was passed and so nothing to worry now.
then we head up to see the spanish movies.

we were suppose to watch 2 movies yesterday.
but holy macaroni. the first one did not have a subtitle.
how are we gonna enjoy the movie of the 300- year- spanish rulers?
we went out.

me, vera, russ, and liyo.

liyo went furious.
furious with himself?
i don't know.
he traded an hour of tutorial (in which he earns pretty good for an amount he pretty needs) for that freakin' useless movie...
i think he had a bad choice, that was why he turned cold as ice and left us without any word.
it was ok.
we understood.

the next movie..."el otro cama"? (the other side of the bed) 9:30, we have to wait. not sure with the title.
then doyle came around.
he treated us to McDo.
the three ordered jasmine trio.
a strawberry float, large fries, and a cd of jasmine.
i had burger, fries, and coke.
i was hungry, so i did not really care about the cd.
i can't eat a cd!!!

vera has to leave.
she has to go to her cousin's place.

me, russ, and dolye watched the last movie.
thank God!!! for the subtitles.
i've taken Spanish 1 but it's of no use.
actors talked fast.
it was a funny movie.
"people are naturally bisexuals"
that was the line.

when the movie was over, we went out and walked our way back to our respective houses.
less talk.
we were all exhausted.
we were laughing the whole day.
and there.. we ended up drained.

it was a happy day but later on... it was kinda sad and silent.
i don't know.
it was suppose to be a happy day all the way, he texted me. finally. and it was time to celebrate.
but.. i don't know, him coming back, him communicating, him clearing things up... it raised a lot of questions again, and it left me hangin'.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't understand.
the only thing i get is that he texted me, after a long time of silence. is he doing this to try to get me hooked again?

he said he missed me.
he said he was still single.

he was using his aunt's fon.

it does not make sense at all.
i don't know.
he made things even more complicated for me.

if we had an exchange of heart

2004-10-23T02:18:00.000-08:00

music playing.
few people in the cafe.
seems to be a sad saturday night.
time seems to be slowing down here.
people are more like mute.

music playing.
sad song for the sad night of many sad people around me.
others playing games.
appears to be enjoying less.

just got myself a nice shower before getting here.
i feel fresh and i did hope to have a lively night.
since i have been staying inside the room the whole day.
but the night is more like dead.

song ended.
but playing again.
repeat mode.
the same song.
the same words.
the same message.
echoing in my ear.
ouch!
hurts my heart.
i won't talk bout love or bout him anymore.
i mean i will talk bout these things less now.
i have to.

song ends again.
sadness gone.
but ouch!!!
repeating..
"one sided love..."
and the song goes again.
i said i don't want to talk about love or him.
i don't even want to think bout these.
don't push me.

but what if?
if we had an exchange of heart?
no... not again..
but the song is really sad.
it makes me feel sad.
and it makes the night sad and the people around me more lifeless.
ok..
let me end this here.
i need to think and talk bout other things.
the song ended.
but no!!!
its starting all over again!!!
arrghh!!!
stop it you WinAmp!!!

Now we have it, now we don’t. is it time to move on?

2004-10-21T00:40:00.000-08:00

We met. It was a fine summer before going college.
It was the second week I stayed in the college dorm for a summer bridge program.
I saw him holding a guitar outside the dorm. Sitting in one of the benches outside.
He was wearing faded blue denim, and a blue polo with a white shirt underneath.
He was cute. I thought so. I don’t know, maybe it was because I’ve never seen a boy with a skin colour like milk.

A friend introduced me to him. But it did not matter. He seemed uninterested with me. After saying HI I went inside.
I watched him played the guitar by the window of the room. Heard him strumming. Couldn’t hear him sing though. And I knew by then, he sings really badly. Hehehe

I dropped the idea that he might like me or something.
It was then, I knew that he was dating this girl. A fellow summer bridger.

She was pretty. She was probably the prettiest girl around. I thought so.
A partygoer. Seemed like she was fun to be with.

They dated. They had their relationship.
I saw them kissing in the covered walk one afternoon.

I heard stories that the boy dumped his 6 months {I’m not sure if it was 6 months} long distance girlfriend for that summer bridger girl.

Who cares anyways, he really liked the other girl. He fell in love with that girl unexpectedly when they spent extra time together. The boy was supposed to court the girl’s friend. And the girl was supposed to help him up with it. But it turned out that they fell in love with each other.

And later, we knew that the girl also had a boyfriend back home. And she dumped him to be with the other boy.

Great story huh?

But when the summer was over, their relationship was over too.

When the school year started, I was introduced again to that boy. By a friend. This time, he acted weird.
We started seeing each other more often, have dinner together more often, and talked more often.

I find him fun to be with. He makes me laugh all the time. And I feel comfortable with him.

He said he was falling for me. Then I laughed about it. He said he was serious. Then I did not know what to do.

I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. So I dumped him once. Dumped him twice.
But he pursued. And I liked the way he wanted me badly. I fell for him. So I gave it a try. After two months, I cared less with how my parents will react.

He treated me like a princess, like I was the only person that mattered to him. And I’ve never felt so special in a different way.

He was always there for me.
He said sweet things.
He watched me in my practices in UPSTAGE.
He took pictures of my performances.
He cooked good yakisoba for me.
He made my projects when I can no longer do it.
He helped me cross the street.
He compiled all my favourite songs and burned them in a cd.
He made a letter for me.
He picked me up in AYALA after watching “the ring” alone.
He scolded me when I got him really worried.
He made me changed my clothes when he thinks I’m showing too much skin.

He was the best.

I was always there for him.
I said sweet things.
I was with him when he was really sick.
I watched him played his on-line games.
I baked him carrot cake.
I made him poems.
I made him letters.
I made him wear make-up.
I made a compilation of our pictures.
I made him laugh really hard like never before.
I made him dance.
I taught him how to cook adobo.

He said I was the best.

I met his parents. He met mine.

We were both there for each other when things get really rough. We cried. We laughed. We danced. We exchanged promises. We thought we have forever in our side.

Our relationship lasted for a year and ten months. Ten months of being together, and a year of having it long distance. He transferred to another school. Back home.

It was hard. Our communication was fine but we both can’t deny that presence is needed. It is important to make things work perfectly.

We are young.
And we were suppose to enjoy our relationship but because of distance, we learned to set aside fun first and focus on how to be honest, faithful, and loyal to each other.

But as I said, we are both young. And it was hard.
We both grew. Our relationship grew too. But it was difficult to maintain.

Like any other relationships, we went thru a lot of fights and make-up. We were happy though, there were times when we get tired and sick with each other, but we were able to solve things up.

I was happy. And I think he was happy about it too.

Our relationship was the longest he ever had. And it was my first ever.

But everything died away one summer.

But we were able to hold on to the very tip of the rope for a couple of months after that summer, until finally, we realized it was over. It was over for us.

We were happy.
We had it.
I had it.
He had it.
But now, we both lost it.

Our relationship was strong. I can say that because if it wasn’t, we couldn’t have made it that long. We could have broken up earlier.
He made his part. He gave his effort to build that relationship and made it last for that certain period. I did my part as well.
We were both strong when we decided to work our relationship despite distance, but it is not always parallel. It is not always side-by-side.

One of you will somehow lose track.
Someone will be left behind.
Someone will go weak.

In our case, we both went weak in some part of that relationship.
Like I said we are both young.

Now that things are finally over between us. We came to have different approaches.

From the past months I’ve been very bitter about it. I’ve been complaining of how the whole thing has cause too much pain for me. And I kept on putting the blame to him. That it was his entire fault why we end up this way. And sometimes I accuse other people. Always, by the end of the day, I find myself crying.

From the past months, I’ve never heard anything from him. He called me a couple of times {I think} and I think I have received a dozen of text messages from him since the break up. But these past few weeks, we never communicated. I texted him and I received no replies. I think that is the kind of approach he is doing to finally move on.

Often, I ask myself how could he take these things easily. How could he turn his back from me with ease while I break down and cry for all of this, for him?

Maybe it is because I am more emotional than he is.
But who knows… nobody knows whether he also cry as much as I do. He thinks about me more often than I do. Or even think that he was such a jerk to have let me go.

Now that I feel that he has finally gotten over me, I think.
Honestly, it is so sad to think about.

The pain that it brings has become intolerable, and realizing it kills me, it is time for me to save my butt out of this whole hurting experience.
I have to move on.
There is no reason to remain in the same spot where he left me.
There is a good life ahead and bigger things happening around.

It was nice to have met you, and to have shared my life with you, that time of my life was the sweetest part.

I know I will still miss you and I will continue writing about you, about us.

Letting go is hard and it is a long process to undergo. But I will make sure I’ll succeed.

So help me GOD… phew…

photo,cellphone, and reset

2004-10-21T00:18:00.000-08:00

tried to upload a photo in my blog.
don't know how.

read other's blog.
posted a comment.

cellphone is useless.
too ruined.
i need a new one.
bless me.

visited friendster.
nothing's new.
boring.

computer reset.
holy ghost!
time wasted.

posted the one i made in the laptop earlier.
it was long.
nonsense.
i'm not good at it.
i care less.

tired.
money wasted.
butt flat on the monoblock.

texted nanay.
i said we are fine.
we have done what she said.

russ on my right.
vera's guy on my left.
but this is the other guy.
the less controversial.

noisy background of on-line games.
kids playing like in a cock fight.
ignore.

ithink i should go.
debating whether to go or not to go.]
money is wasted.
damn!!!

i should go.

ijust hope after i gave him my blog address,he is going to spend some time to read all of them.
he has to.

i said i should quit it.
but can't help it.
miss him.
slap me!
shit!
stop thinking.

undying issues about love.

2004-10-19T01:08:00.000-08:00

i have read a message in friendster bulletin.
it was posted by a friend who feels happy for a friend who finally made good changes in life because of love (because of a gurl).

i went to skul.
heard about a new couple. they are unbelievable. and i think the public is not in favor of the two. but who cares, nobody can stop them. i see them sweet in campus.
but a friend does not feel better about this. she used to like the boy. she said she reacted bitter when she heard the news. but she is not jealous jealous you know.as i said she used to like the boy. not now. it's just that there are issues(like music interest, effort, band, and the respect for other members) that should have been settled but the boy (and the other boys) did not give a damn because he was busy being sweet to that girl. (is it a work of love?)

i talked to a friend.
she said bout her encounter with her boy. not boy boy of some sort like a lover or an ex. it's more like of "used- to- be- we-cared- a- lot with each other".
they got cold with unclear reasons. then finally hit it on. no talk. no look. then now less talk. more look. then more talk. and more look. its crazy. both analyzing. even friends are analyzing the situation. anylyzing them.
at least they are better now. its love but not love love you know. but i do hope for a happy ending.

i read some posted comments on my other entries.
one of my friend is in some kind of a hard time (love issues again). he wants to breakaway or something. he told me friday last week about how he likes the song breakaway. and he wants to breakaway too.

i don't know. everyone's talking bout love. even on friendster posted messages on bulletin include relationships and other stuff. i hear people talking bout guys and girls, who looks good together and who looks crap. rumors of who dumps who, and third parties and faithfull lovers. who will marry who, and who will end up alone.

i don't know, i think if love is a disease, there is no man on earth long before.

i don't know... i'm writing crap. can't think straight. have love issues. ewww...hate it!

i'm back!!!

2004-10-18T02:47:00.000-08:00

just got back from bohol. and there is nothing more to rejoice about but the fact that cebu is a more civilized place compared to bohol (faster and easy internet access basis).

visited other's blog and posted a comment.
updated my friendster account.
checked my e-mail.
and texted people thru chikka.
weew...

i'm looking for polar bear but thinking for that other boy.
shit!!!

why can't i spend even just a single day without thinking bout these 2 useless and lame people?

cebu kinda reminds me more of my ex.

bright side of coming back to cebu: friends and blog.

on the road home.

2004-10-15T03:17:00.000-08:00

shit!!!!
i was going home.
i was feeling fine.
but shit!!!

i saw them. polar bear and the girl. his hands on her shoulder.walking.
they passed by.

his classmates staring on me. while i gave way to them.
fuck the narrow road.
why was i the one who has to stop and step aside to give way?

he did not looked at me. his eyes was fixed on the ground.
the girl looked at me.
but it was not a look like she knows who i am or she had heard stories about me.
it was more like taking a look on the girl standing on the side of the road, giving way. and was pleased with the kind act.

screw them all!!!
screw the eyes ,which had looked at me on the side of the road.
and screw more the eyes which was fixed on the ground.

carbonated escape

2004-10-15T02:43:00.000-08:00

after that polar bear event with the guitar and the girl.
i seemed like i really wanted to runaway for a moment.
good thing we had this trip planned early this morning.

so, after almost an hour of sitting and watching the two, who were loving each other's company...
me, chai, vera, and liyo went to CARBON.
the hippest and the coolest place in town.

wahahahaha.
it was all smoke, dirt, and what have you.

the place smells bad but the things we need are in there.

the cheapest clothes.
the cheapest shoes.
the cheapest things.
and what have you.

it was after all a good place to you know, stay away from your unpleasant thoughts for a while.

i bought a sweater for myself.
and a red dress for my sis.

the guitar, the girl, and the polar bear. the movie title game.

2004-10-15T02:11:00.000-08:00

he sat with his guitar on one of the stone benches.
he strummed and sung (i think so) as if the day is really great.
the girl was on his side.
smiling. listening.
as if she loved what she was hearing (i think she liked the fact that she was serenated).

MOVIE TITLE: "THE MAN ON GUITAR AND THE USELESS GIRL"

the boy was smiling on her.
the girl was enjoying the moment.
and i watched them from a distance.
ready to attack.

MOVIE TITLE: "WHEN JEALOUSY STRIKES"

i think he saw me.
i think after a while of looking into the beautiful face of the girl,
(i admit),
he caught me staring on both of them.
i pretended i did not notice them.
i pretended that i'm too occupied to take notice.
i laughed with friends.
i talked loud.
i moved from side to side.
i almost wanna dance.
and tell him on his face that i'm happy, i'm not affected, and i don't care.

MOVIE TITLE: "KICK THEIR ASSES, FALALALA..."

but he continued strumming.
she continued listening.
they enjoyed each other's presence.
while i was slowly lossing my senses.

MOVIE TITLE: "I WANT TO KILL"

sem break... i love the smell of it.

2004-10-15T01:51:00.000-08:00

hahahahahahaha.
well, hello world!!!
i'm embracing you with nothing else in my head but you world--- "my very calm, happy world of less worries!!!"
wahahhahaha....

maybe after 2-3 weeks of staying away from school will renew me.
no blogging for a moment, i tell you our place is really far from civilizations you know... meaning, i have to keep everything inside me for a while.
argg... no outlet.
but i guess the fresh air and the good food will mean nothing much to think about anything else but enjoy the time. and no dramas for a while. i'll try to get myself focus to reading the books i bought, sketching, watching tv and other boring but at least A OK things to do.
i'll miss my freinds.
i'll miss the talks.
i'll miss everything.

but duh!!!

what's 2-3 weeks anyways.

polar bear and his "girlfriend"(i think so, but i hope not)

2004-10-14T01:58:00.000-08:00

i saw him. in gray. my friends went to the direction where he was.
i went across the street.
i know there was something wrong. there was something i don't want to see. and there was something i don't want him to see. i don't want him to see my reaction.

yes, he was with the girl. a close friend of his who went to another school. and she is a great girl. i'm nothing compared to her.
she is the rumoured girlfriend.

yah yah yah.... bagay sila.

well, poor me. out of the picture again. arrg...

weird is synonymous to friends

2004-10-14T01:23:00.000-08:00

i was with them. i'm with them now. actually, i'm with them all the time. and like any normal airport-landing ground-foreheaded girl, i get tired and sick with them.
tired of looking at their familiar faces.
sick of hearing circle stories.
they argue.
they laugh really loud.
they talk pretty much.
about love.
about life.
about sex.
about other people.
about family.
about God.
about anything.
they criticize people, things, and all they see. and they praise those who deserves their attention.
they cry. but it doesn't mean there should always be tears rolling down their cheeks.

they are happy all the time.

but when the day is rough,
you hear them complaining about almost everything.
you hear them analyzing almost everything.
you hear them justifying almost everything.

sometimes i think they are really mean.
sometimes i think they are complicated.
they complicate things.
sometimes they are vain. actually, almost always vain.

sometimes, they appear like everyone has to make way.
they make noises.
they do funny stunts.
they perform.

they are all intellectually blessed. and being with them, at times make me feel stupid.
sometimes, i ask myself why i keep on hangin' around with them, when at times, i feel like i'm less. i don't fit in. i don't meet their standards.

but who cares anyway highway,
they look for me when i'm not around.
they make me join them to where they want to go.
they listen to my stories.
they tell me the right move.
they teach me what is stupid and what is not.
they make me happy.
being with them completes my day. haaay.....

i learn a lot from them.
i have fun with them.
the best thing is that i can be silent even if i'm with them and it doesn't matter.
there is no tension of whether i have to talk or not. they wait.

they are rare.
they are the weirdest set of friends i ever had.
they are worth keeping.

dream...as in real dream...

2004-10-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

that was what it felt like two nights ago. he seemed to be real...
we were walking... his arms around my waist and mine on his.
i was close to him.i can smell him,i can feel his soft skin.
vera and noynoy were behind us.
but we did not care.
we walked.

then, i woke up... and shit!!! it was just a dream... but it seemed real though.
i was hugging the pillow.
it was almost 6 AM.

i got up from bed and went to the table to study for my Econ 11 exam. i was scanning my photocopies for about an hour.
my thought was on him and on my dream.
what if it comes true?

BIG SCENE:

one day he'll knock on my door.
i'll open it and i'll see him standing outside.
we'll say hello.
i'll invite him in.
but no!!!
he's with someone...
and coming from the side, is the girl---- the selfish, ugly, bitch!!!
THE HELL!!!

well, i guess i'll invite her in as well.
and inside while we sit. we talk.
they will say they are going to spend sembreak here.
and they wanna stay in my place coz there is no other place to go.

will i allow them??? hmm..

one scene:
i'll get their bags, throw it outside.
i'll drag the girl first and push her down the stairs.
then the boy.

another scene:

i'll get the knife and cut off their heads. put it in a bag. i'll chop their entire body and sell it in the market. good meat. eewww..

another scene again:

i'll laugh. laugh really hard. open my mouth really hard. untill i swallow them up.
that's better.

MAY THEY ROT IN HELL!!!

BULLSHIT!!!!

2004-10-13T00:35:00.000-08:00

It has been passed three weeks since you have called and texted me. What’s wrong? I have texted you about six times already, but you did not bother to reply. I called you on your birthday but you did not answer the phone and you did not return my call either. What’s the matter?

Don’t you miss me? Don’t you think about me like I think about you now? Don’t you want me? Don’t you need me? I’m everything you have… I’m the best you have…

Well, BULLSHIT!!!

You don’t care. You don’t give a damn.

You don’t miss me. You don’t think about me. You don’t want me and most of all you don’t need me. You have your own life now. A life without me. What does it like?

I can see you have completely let go. You have definitely moved on. And there is no room for me in you anymore.

It’s a torture to think but I might as well have to accept it, that you might have given out my place to someone else, and maybe to someone who is better than I am and most importantly closer to you.

And all I can be now…

I was everything you had. I was the best you had.

And that’s all it can be now. Nothing less and absolutely nothing more.

BULLSHIT!!!

Not yet over him completely

2004-10-08T04:06:00.000-08:00

It’s undeniable. The feeling comes back to me every now and then. But when I am asked if I’m over him, my frequent answer is “no, but the pain is lesser now compared to the first few weeks since the break up. but i I still do miss him.i'm on my way to get over him. (actually, on my way to Cagayan... hehehe)”
At least I did not totally lied to them. And I think it’s a way to convince myself that it is about time to let go and move on. There is nothing to hold back anymore. He doesn’t even bother.

Yes, I’m not yet over him. Yes, I still feel the pain and it still seems like the fresh cut. Yes, I’m finding it really hard to cast the thoughts of him away. I still love to remember him the last time I took a really good look at him. I still think of the good things he did and sweet words he said the last time we were together. And every time that happens, I really hope so hard that the remembering and the thinking happens to him too.

There are times I think of him with nothing but hatred. Hatred to how he could have given up too fast and too soon. How he hadn’t acknowledged my effort of trying to pull us back together. How he chose of letting me go. How he found somebody else when I was just here all along thinking that we were meant for each other. How he take this easily while I’m on the ground crawling.

I know he did love me. There was a point in our relationship when he loved me more than I loved him. There was a time when we both reciprocated each other’s love. And then, there was a period when I loved him more than he loved me.

I know he did give an effort. There was a point in our relationship when he was the one giving full effort. There was a time when both reciprocated each other’s effort. And then, there was a period when effort was all mine.

But that’s how relationship works. Both of you discover something in each other that makes you fall in and out of love, and give in and take out effort. But still you stay. That is the fun of it. That is what makes it special. You discover each other’s imperfections and learn to see it perfectly.

We were in the process of that. But there was a system malfunction so the process must be seized.

When he saw my imperfections, he saw perfections to another. Instead of learning to accept it and stay, he gave up on me. He doesn’t want to waste his time and he does not want to learn.

He did love me, but that was when he saw my perfections and felt my presence, but the feeling changed when he could not remember my perfections anymore because of my absence, and all that he can remember was my imperfections. so long distance relatonships hardly works.

But no matter what I say, no matter how I analyze things, it is all over for him, but it is not in my case. he still matters.

HIM, RELATIONSHIPS, and A HORRIBLE TASTING FOOD

2004-10-08T04:04:00.000-08:00

I MISS HIM. And there is nothing more badly than that. Sometimes I just really wish that this feeling fade away one day. And never return.
It hurts and it hurts like it is really hard to handle.
Why do I suffer so much like this for him, he does not deserve my misery at all, I don‘t deserve to be wretched because of him…
It is OK to MISS HIM if missing him doesn’t mean bringing back the hurting.
But this is not like a horrible tasting food that I can spew out just like that. This is more of a horrible movie that sticks into your head for a long period of time. Or maybe a horrible event in your childhood that stays in you forever. And now, forever is the scariest word for me.
Our relationship must have not been that horrible, because if it was, I should have spewed it out earlier like a horrible tasting food the moment I realized it’s horrible. He must have not been that horrible either.
If only love and relationships are like food, I could have gotten a taste test first before I immerse myself on it. And maybe, just maybe, I won’t be feeling this right now.
I MISS HIM. It’s horrible. The truth hurts and reality bites.

her guilt and the things i want to tell her...

2004-10-04T03:43:00.000-08:00

i can't reply.
she texted me.
but i can't reply. as much as i want to, to seem nice to her, as much as i wanted to convey that i'm fine, and what i have gone through was nothing to do with her, i just can't. i can't text her back and say hi, tell her that i'm doing well, and ask her back how she's doing!!!
i can no longer play miss nice. it's not that i want to bitch around her, it's just that, i am not yet comfortable with her. not now that she finally got what she wanted.
wasn't she the girl who started it all?
we were doing fine. i was able to tell that we can get stable despite the distance. we were learning, we were growing together in relationship. then, she came along. she started befriending him. i was aware of that. he told me several times during our phone conversations that he was having a good time with her and the other friends. and i was happy with that, because it will somehow lessen his longing for me. somehow ease loneliness and all.
but later, she poured out everything right in his face. she poured out her emotions, neglecting consequences, neglecting me, neglecting what it will all do to us.
she said it to him. she said how she was feeling towards him. and that she was falling for him, and she can no longer hold it back.
it made him all confused. it made him all freaked out.

i can still remember how he told me nice things about her. that she was not boring to be with, that she was really sweet, and that she was much like me.
when he said those words over the phone, i felt i was choked. but i set those crazy thoughts aside.i told myself that it's impossible for him to fall for that girl. our communication was fine, and i was confident that nothing will go wrong. until that day she confessed.

when he heard those words coming out directly from her mouth, i know, questions came rushing into his head. "what if i feel the same about her? i just didn't realize because i don't want to entertain thoughts about it?" what if this is meant to happen?" "what if..." and the questions went on, that it might have blown his head.
he did not fail to inform me of what had happened. he told me calmly, like it was nothing at all. he detailed it in a tone that sounded like there was nothing to worry about. i trust him huge that i did not realize i was beginning to step inside a trap.
i can still recall how we both laughed to that confession, and i even volunteered to talk to her, treat her nice, and explain to her, or maybe help her sort things out, that she might have gotten it all wrong. the feelings she had might be a false alarm and all.
then, i begun my mission. i treated her as my own friend. we texted each other. she even gave me updates of how he was doing in class since they are classmates in all their subjects. those things went on...
until there were times that he called me telling me that they had watched movies alone, they went out alone on weekends, exchanging house visits after school, and holding hands.
of course i cried. their relationship progressed together with ours. sad thing is that, i am away, while she was closer to him. and that what makes it more harder for me.
but i was able to manage, i got his full attention back to me. that was after i confessed that being close to her was not doing good to me. that i can't stand the thought of them together. and so, with efforts and i guess with his still strong feelings for me, he stayed away from her. somehow, it made me feel special, it motivated me to be good with everything, so i can be with him someday. not until one summer morning...

i woke up early one morning with the thought of him. i was wondering why he hadn't called for almost a week already when he usually calls me 3 times a week. worried, i called him up. when he answered the phone, from the other end, i can tell on his voice that i woke him up. he was not on his senses yet. he was still on the state of realizing that i was actually on the other line. we exchanged greetings and told each other how our days went. and he begun to be silent. it was an awkward silent. i was half scared and half confused when i asked him why. it was then that he told me about him seeing her again, spending time with her in the park, and about them kissing.
i did not know what to do... all i can remember was that everything turned black around me. it was like i was passing out. but i did not. i cried really hard and i ended the call. after a couple of minutes of almost screaming out, with anger, i texted him a lot of mean things, which were justifiable by that time. i texted her as well. but i was not mean to her. i just told her that i already know. later that day, when i finally pulled myself back, when i could no longer cry, when my system finally has to balance sadness and happiness, i asked him to call me.
he called me as soon as he got my message. he said he was really worried about me, and that i did not make him explain. at the back of my mind..."what is there to explain?"
he was a bit soft that time, he talked with a slow pace that i could even write every word he said. i was silent on the other end.
he did most of the talking. he was sorry, he did not mean that, and that he did not know that it was coming. while he was trying to clear things out for me, my mind formed questions..."why did he still went out with her?" "why on the park?, i thought he does not like places like that." i thought he said it was over, why?" and all the possible why's paraded in my mind.
then, i told him, it was ok. there was nothing more to say, so i just said it was ok. that was just a kiss. no big deal. when i told him that, i know i was being stupid, i know i was about to get the biggest slap in the whole wide world, i know i'm about to cross the river of martyrdom. or was i already in there?
few weeks after that, we seemed to be having a normal relationship again. we spent time talking and planning again. he even mentioned in all his call that she's out, because he cant afford to lose me. and that he will be the stupidiest guy on earth if he will let me go.
indeed, almost 3 months ago, he was the stupidiest person in the world.
he was not able to keep his promise. he kept seeing her and kept spending time with her. i, back in my senses, realized that he is not being fair anymore. and that it was time to give up. i was the one who kept on pulling us together but he chose to drift away from me. he chose to be with her. to be with somebody closer, and not to get stuck with an oceans- apart- girl and his impossible- long- distance- relationship with her.
and our story ended. i tried to get him back after one week from our break up, i did that because i'm the founder of the fight for love foundation, but he said no. he does not feel the same to me anymore, that the feeling was gone. and i thought, he really did want us to end. there could only two reasons for that: the girl, and his tired butt. but i still go for the girl reason.

and now, she texted me. what do you expect me to say? "thank you for thinking about me... and oh! you won! he's all yours..."

difinitely on the zero

2004-09-24T04:19:00.000-08:00

i'm talking about lovelife here... its the only thing in my life now that goes below average point.
watta hell is this all about? i certainly did not do anything wrong to suddenly feel like i'm the ugliest person in the world, the poorest gal around, hopping routinely in the same places everyday and hanging around with exactly the same people. i say the same things and do the same chores. simply fascinating huh?.. now where is the adventure?
i'm not saying that i'm completely tired or hurrying my feet fast to something new .. it's just that... i want something to spice up my life a little bit you know... like a new love life perhaps... we all know having somebody special around is a different thing, it's something more exquisite. i don't know... i can't think of any other words other than that.
i'm completely under poverty line now when it comes to love. my ex-boyfriend shows no interest at all and i can't see any signs that he wants us to get back together. i don't want us to get back though... i find it wierd to be back with him you know. all i just want is that to have a little thrill of being chased after you know. like those we see on tv and those we read on books. it's quiet flattering and i just want to have something to giggle about. you know things like that... the girls' stuff.
my polar bear (my crush in school) ain't working good anymore. like my ex, he shows no interest compared to the last times we shared glances. its the closest we can get. but i really do like this guy a lot.
sigh.....
i wonder when will i start seeing bubbles and sparkles again...

polar bear... (say these words like your exhausted) from friendster bulletin

2004-09-23T04:17:00.000-08:00

September 23, 2004 5:02 AM

Message: i don't wanna wait.... na na na...and the rest of the
song lyrics goes on. gud luck!
i saw him during my 5:30 event. this time he did
not notice me... or maybe he just doesn't want to
notice me enemore. poor me... well, poor him too.
he's so lame... ayoko na... hmp!

ey russ! saw orange bag. he was in all blue attire
today...he seems sick though. that explains why he
was wearing blue. huh?..

arrggghhh... polar bear!!!
lame lame lame!!!

thinking twice..

2004-09-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i should give up on this polar bear thing, somehow this whole thing makes me feel happy by the end of the day anyway... its kinda like staying young and feeling young for me despite all the pressure i have now since sem break is fast approaching, which means meeting all the deadlines for my projects and other stuff. not to mention my article assignment for sunstar which should be pass within this week. but guess what? i havent done any interviews yet because of some barriers like interviewee being sick nd having lot of conference to occupy her time blah blah blah.
how sad for me... but like i said, at the end of the day, what keeps me still kicking is the polar bear thing that seems to throw my exhaustion away.hmm...i'm at a tight hold to this already. funny.
hey... i wonder what hppened to the other boy that i used to write about in this blog and talk about to anyone that i'm with when my emotions spill off. haven't heard from him for so long already... now that's showing less interest to me huh? well, thank you!
back to polar bear...
i know it is obvious already. i know he knows what i'm doing. he knows about my 5:30 events and about liyo giving me a report on him during tuesdays and fridays. and i'm getting a little bit embarass already. hmmm... and the bad thing is, i guess he had misinterpreted something that happened last saturday. i just really hope not. i just really hope he doesn't think i'm lame or something... because if he does, i'll kiss polar-bear-crush-life byebye. how sad...

the lowest point of my sheening life...(FROM MY FRIENDSTER BULLETIN)

2004-09-21T02:37:00.000-08:00

the lowest point of my polar bear days... hahay...
Message: UPDATE:
slowly fading...
shows no interest anymore...
and hey! what's with the "please stop creeping me
out" LOOK?..

huh???

tuesday, Sept. 22, 2004---- i declare the lowest
point of my polar bear days.
no more chasing around.
no more 5:30 events.
and no more Tuesdays and Fridays reports.

polar bear can freely throw snow balls anywhere
and anytime without getting stared at...

huh?
i wonder if everyone can relate...
hahay...
wala nay crush life in short.

my worth (char!)

2004-09-18T00:14:00.000-08:00

cant figure out what to do... hmp leave the title alone... il just finish this when i have enough time.. have to go... basta my worth ang title. i wonder where polar bear is now...

bored bored bored!!

2004-09-14T03:52:00.000-08:00

nothing much to really write about... just an ordinary day... skul--- intrams... org.--- fund raising... sunstar sideline--- going nowhere... lovelife???--- duh!!! nothing!!!
im bored... i need to get out... i need some excitement you know... i'm young and i totally deserve to have even just a little fun... adventure.. but duh!!! who cares!!! it's impossible anyways... with the kind of lifestyle i have now?? no room for things like that... im totally locked up with the same things to be done everyday.. same people to be with.. same things to say.. same stuff to do... hahay... hoo!

makarelate ko?... somehow.. sa song.. but on the story.. no, but i felt sad.

2004-09-08T02:55:00.000-08:00

"My Happy Ending"
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on
yourself? Its bugging me.

(In the paper the next day):

A motorcycle had crashed into a building because
of break failure. 2 people were on it, but only
1 survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the
guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't
want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her
say she loved him & felt her hug 1 last time,
then had her wear his helmet so that she would
live even though it meant that he would die.

Would you do this for someone??

i'm bored... as in totally...

2004-09-07T00:13:00.000-08:00

well well well.. it is time for me to complain again. first up, i'm totally out of idea on how to make this devcom project. i'm running out of time and i'm screwing evertyhing up. never done anything worth to pass. second, i hate being stuck! yes im really stuck! no doubt! yah... he still matters but actually, its not as big deal as before. at least i can tell right? third, here comes my problem with polar bear... yah its shallow but no! mind you! it still bothers me a lot.. why can't he just make a move... i'm lossing hope now... eww... i can't imagine waking up one day and realize he doesn't like me anymore and he likes somebody else. after all this time? after being happy of what i thought he has for me? no way!!! why can't he just stand up and speak to me and be a man???!!! he is totally lame! i hate to say that but i runout of words to describe how he is doing with this. arghh... all of these are torturing me! but isn't it so silly of me to complain about all of this i claim as my very big problems? hello!!! there is a big world out there and bigger things happening, but still... big things start with small beginnings. at least now i know i have a problem. not like before that i seemed not to care. arrggghh.... nonsense!!! all of this!!!

feeling plain today...

2004-09-05T01:39:00.000-08:00

yup! nothing much going on... i feel exactly plain... except for yesterday when i really had fun with UPSTAGE.... but when i rate this past week... its basically plain... actually, my usual everyday event in routine. i find it boring... but when i think hard about it.. it's fine! i don't get into trouble and it doesn't give me much of a headache you know... i think i need something to spice up my life right now... hmm... and what will it be? but i should try to make sure that it is not something that would really knock me out afterwards... nah... ill just wait for something exciting to come instead of finding it for myself... at least i can tell that whatever it is it is meant to happen... am i making sense? nevermind!

shine sheeny..boy! temporary happiness!

2004-09-02T03:13:00.000-08:00

he is out of my league!!! definitely... everyone can tell by just the way he is blessed physically... and once you know him more... you'll think he is too good to be true... but no!!! beh.... lemme see.. physically: no question, his a real breath-taker!! so charming and cute! mentally: i've just learned from his frens over frenster that he is a walking encyclopedia... and i know you know what i mean!but he is not a nerd type you know.. you can even seldom see him bringing anything in skul or visiting the library... he got everything in mind already! gosh! of course... he is nice, a gentleman, a guitar player (plays bass), and most importantly... he has this really good sense of humor! in short... he is perfect! not boring, not close-minded... he got it all in one package! what more can a girl ask for? haaayyyy...
i know i'm one of those other hundreds of girls who like him with just one look... there is no way he'll gonna fall for me... of course there are a lot out there who's really better than i am. he'll be just one of those dreams that will never come true.
but for now, i'll enjoy this moment... my moment of appreciating that it is free to dream... at least i can forget about the other boy who never seemed to care bout me truely.

he's gotta be someone new

2004-08-31T02:59:00.000-08:00

i was kinda disappointed of how he turned out to be after that great foncall he made a week ago. i thought everything will be fine now... but i guess i was wrong. he doesn't need me anymore. but late this afternoon, he asked for an apology of what he had done. but i didn't respond. there's no need... im tired of always the one who understands him. he doesn't even care to understand me... he's a jerk and i hate him now. at this moment... i feel nothing towards him anymore... this time.. i mean it.

i don't know... its just maybe because there is somebody new... yes there is. i don't know... i feel so affected of how he acts when im around and how he stares at me. i've never felt like this for such a long time already. the last time i feel this way was like i was just in sixth grade when i had my first ever crush!!! hehehe... i don't know if this is just infatuation or something... but im sure it's something deeper than that... only that it also has this "kilig" factor to me.
but what happened earlier today back at skul was different from the usual stare and smile we do... it was something serious... i can tell from the way he stared and the feeling that it brought me... i don't know... im not overacting but... hey! you can't blame me.. i'm the one on this and so i know whats going on...i mean... if only i can say what i really want to tell him... if only we are given the chance to sit down and talk for awhile... i hate it!!! i feel helpless and i think he feels the same either.

all that i really want to happen now is open another chapter. "a story of us"... and close the pages of the book of the "story of us- past"..
help!!! i cant stand this anymore.. if only there is something i can do with this. swear... if chances will come... il take the risk and fall... make it work... make it right... if only we will be given the chance... i swear... this is something deeper than i had with the boy. he is somebody new...a start of another colorful life ahead.

getting better going up... just pls...

2004-08-20T00:22:00.000-08:00

id like to keep things this way... id like him to remain this way. i'd like us to be this way. communication up...
things are getting better. he is getting better as well. he cares... i know he never did stopped caring. he had always cared. but i just want myself to be prepared of whatever else may happen after this. i don't want to hope that this will last. it will just crumple everything i have ironed... my emotion, my ideas, my plans,and my inspiration. i have it all at stake. just please keep on going. dont stop and dont look back.

things are getting better (communication up!)

2004-08-19T02:40:00.000-08:00

yup!! things are getting better now. this is probably the best day i had eversince that event. i don't know. i just kinda feel ok, calm, and happy today. may be because things turned out the way i've always wanted it to be.i mean, the timing is right... it was like i was almost giving up but then, i woke up this morning and something made me change my mind. i just really hope it will stay the same. he's always impermanent but i still do hope even just for this moment, he'll remain like that until i'll finally find my way out of this. until i can finally tell it's over, we're over. but then, he still matters and for him to remain that way would probably make me all hooked up to him even more. and if time will come that he really has to go and become impermanent again, i'll be left behind standing weak. atleast standing hopefully, not completely dropped down.

my reason

2004-08-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

he's my reason. my reason to laugh out loud. my reason to cry hard. my reason to feel stupid. my reason to feel like a one hell of a genius. my reason to be crazy. my reason to be sane. my reason to kick other girls' butts. my reason to be their friend. my reason to yell. my reason to remain silent. my reason to sing. my reason to dance. my reason to keep on eating yakisoba. my reason not to eat at all. my reason to watch last full shows. my reason to stay out of the cinema. my reason to runout of prepaid loads. my reason to keep on reloading. my reason to have a good night sleep.my reason to have a nightmare. my reason to jump off from a building. my reason to change my mind about that. my reason to like googoo dolls and Edwin McCain (McCain? whatever!). my reason to hate them. my reason to order another extra rice. my reason to throw it all out. my reason to bake carrot cake. my reason to forget the ingredients.my reason to wear tha watch. my reason to hide it. my reason to love home. my reason to hate home. my reason to keep on smelling the perfume.my reason to sneeze. my reason to love that bear. my reason to choke it. my reason to check my e-mail. my reason not to. my reason to hug those pillows. my reason to punch them. my reason to deny. my reason to embrace the truth. my reason to dream. my reason to stop dreaming. my reason to move on. my reason to be stuck up. my reason to let go. my reason to hold on. my reason to stay. my reason to leave. my reason to love. my reason not to love... again.

message from hell

2004-08-15T01:11:00.000-08:00

i was half awake last night around 11 pm. before that i txted the boy about how i was doing and asked if he was well. i received no reply for about 15 minutes. then later he texted me that he was ok. then when i was about to fall deep into sleep... i received a business card. then a message of "FLIRTY BITCH!" on it! that was no business card... there was no number on it... it was a message from hell!!! i do suspect that it came from somebody whom i know... and i think this has got to do with that boy.
what an accusation!!! i cant believe this!!! i know he knows about all of this... there is something i ought to know... i asked him about it this morning and he never replied!!! GUILTY!!!
i think they're together now!!!
he is such a jerk!!! a big jerk!!! i hate him so much now... i hate them both!!! well, i guess they should be together... they are both losers and losers need to stay with losers right????... well, good luck!!

someone ends up hurt

2004-08-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

for the case of the unseen pain... way hidden with the sweetest smile given out... someone should peel off her skin and walk naked.
ok, act as if nothing happened. pretend as if it did not hurt so bad. use statistics, you've only given your 30%(emotional investment) still 70% remains for you to be standing still.
whatever! none will work.
plan B---
keep yourself busy... mmmm... join some clubs, nightout with friends, what about doing some artwork?
aarrrrgggghhhh.....
if people try to make themselves happy, be with the person they feel comfortable with, and have a relationship that simply makes your world a better place, we never always get a happy ending. lucky for those who did get there "happily ever after" for those who did not just like me... prepare youself for a bumppy ride that only God knows when it will end. someone has to be hurt in the end. for those who unfortunately got that part just like me, charge it to experience... who knows... you'll get a better one next time...
hopefully......

im stuck on him

2004-08-08T04:42:00.000-08:00

no matter how my friends tell me how unworthy he is... there's no use... i have fallen for him... and still, i haven't pulled myself back from that great fall. it is not my choice to remain this way, things just happen beyond my control.

strong gravity of loneliness pulls me back to that muddy reality that we are done. that all has gone.

it is not my fault that i'm caught up in this situation, nor is his fault that ive fallen... deeper than he thought i had. and i dont even think he has the idea that i have.

sad maybe the ending of my fairytale, of my fantastic story of romance, my positivity never failed me to continue dreaming... there is always a chance... there is always a second chance... and i, still look forward to this.

will be when?

2004-07-22T01:03:00.000-08:00

it rained outside... like thousands and millions of teardrops from not a sad cry but rather an angry one... it was so heavy that even those who had umbrellas got wet... but who cares... i don't care bout them.. i don't care bout the rain either... i just want to stop caring or loving or even thinking bout somebody elses' sake and whatsoever...not even with the bad weather...

i just want myself to think bout the strings that pulls me back from my freedom... i want to let go of memories that i was fond of cherishig because as i cherish them it hurt the most.

but they say that nobody can just let go of the past.. you are what you are today because of your past.

things are becoming complicated and living itself has complexities...

it would be easy to quit... but bearing the thought that you cowardly quitted is more humiliating and more difficult to face...

i want to drop the case of making him matter... but will be when? he is part of my past and so he will be part of me forever... see how complicated it is... you want to let go and be freed but the thing is... there is no absolute freedom... he will be a part of me forever... he will still matter because may be later on i can tell myself that i am who i am today because of him... see? he is a part of me... the truth that will be.

hhhaayyyy.......